Beyond Solitude: A Journey Lived

I need my solitude.  Without it, I'm groundless.

A worldly dream once took it away. We talk of presence and sharing as inspiration, but sometimes that very sophistication we are told to desire is the bringer of disaster.  An incurable tumor fermented in the heart.  At first, I just wanted to dance, and now I can expect my talent to raise me high above the clouds in a summer day?  What they don't understand: it is more of a journey lived than a talent capitalised. 

And how can I know what I've been through, how I've felt, and who I've loved if I am not alone?  Yet even memory has her flaws: empty space where before there was a surface and a unity, like the stretch of a blooming rose petal.  You sense the soft hidden layers, but they are gone the moment you let loose of your grip.  The names and faces filmed in the memory would have told me where I'd been and how much I've grown out of my former self, they were a cosmic map and a travel diary.  

Even the sutblest sound awakes thought in solitude.  Recognition dawns, one sense can enliven another.  A voice returns to you from beyond the loss and the memory.  A freed body, which takes its notes differently, sequences them in alien geometries, a code, but not the kind you crack, more like the kind you have written within you without knowing, the complex infinities of you cell's DNA.

The order of the spontaneous world-- its harmonies and echoes, its effortless beauties --is its own melody.  It sings in the graceful, clear bell of reveal.  There is an illumination when one only sits with oneself.  An unfolding.  Whether or not you feel it, it is your song and it will be sung.  The tones will resonate.  The truth will glow and burn. 

Start over.  Reset.  Start over.  Reset.

I'll get myself some rest.  What else can I do?  I've done more to conceal than to reveal. 

Those quiet gazes, as I understand them, will take their place on the next opening page. 

The Poet’s Diary

It has been a while since I last posted and many things have happened as if nothing has ever happened. When the events are jagged and packed together, we simply cannot name them. But I will give it a try…. What happened were:

1. Vacation! UC campuses have been on strike and I am free of TA duty. Instead of showing up on the picket line, I happily fled to Napa for some quiet “me -time”, away from all the dramas so that I could live with the lovely Canadian geese and summery lake for a while. As I strolled around the valley, I was amazed by how close those adorable grapevines were right next to me. That sensation brought my memory back to my childhood, when I was a child who couldn’t digest any fruit except grapes. I consoled myself that there must have been a good reason for that peculiar diet. Looks like I was right?!😅

2. The Love Letter! I screened my autobiographical dance film, The Love Letter (2024 version), at PFS (Performance Studies) 2024 Symposium. The Love Letter, which is a multi-media and multi-disciplinary experiment on autobiographical dance-making, has been my ongoing project spinning around for some years now. Some of the readers here might have viewed the 2022 version of The Love Letter I posted on my blog before. I made some significant changes to the short film for the 2024 version and the audiences’ responses were…(well, mixed feelings?). While a few female colleagues questioned how I felt about putting my own intimate life story out there for the public to see, others told me it was immensely touching (a man confessed to me that he almost cried 😬). Well, whatever the reactions, questions, or confrontations from the audiences, I will be still adventure on my artistic vision for The Love Letter. In fact, I am seeking collaborators. If you are interested in joining the fun, check out the details on my upcoming new professional website 😉.

3. New Website! Finally, after much inner struggles, I am building my professional website, for the purpose of sharing, conversing, and academic networking in a digital space. The reason that I struggled so much to build this website was, in fact, rather hilarious to many of my colleagues (but a serious matter to me). Oh, I was so worried about disclosing my real name, haha! Although I am Annabel in real life for sure, I’ve been using a series of pseudonym surnames for a good portion of my life. Only the official records and academic websites “know” my real surname. Isn’t it a funny excuse to refuse to set up one’s professional profile and connect with one’s studied field 😂 for so many years? Well, you never know what’s in the girl’s mind…. Anyway, stay tuned and I will update you on my new coming blog 💖!

Hope you’ve been blessed out and sketching your own funs for the summer, dear friends and readers! 💖

Sending hugs and cheers,

Annabel 🌷